


are you tired?

by mistergore



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Discord - Freeform, Gen, Gender Confusion, Gender Dysphoria, Panic Attacks, Tags May Change, other characters not tagged, smpearth - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-21 03:27:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30015420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mistergore/pseuds/mistergore
Summary: Have you ever gotten a tight feeling in your chest when someone says your name? Ever gotten the wind knocked out of you when certain pronouns are used on you? Erin - Tommy? - has felt like this for too long and she? he?theydon't know the cause.During a call with Tubbo starts to make things make sense.
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s)
Kudos: 19





	1. Mädchen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin breathes in and out and thinks for a few moments. How does she start? With the discomfort of her own fucking name being used, or her mother calling her pretty when she finally dressed up a bit making her nauseous, or how Wilbur talking about her using she/her pronouns in a stream made her want to just stop existing?
> 
> or
> 
> Tommy isn't Tommy yet, still Erin, and gender is confusing and he doesn't even know that gender is the thing confusing him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You knew it was coming, you saw me projecting onto Tommyinnit, it was only a matter of time. This au Tommy's deadname was pulled out of thin air. Spicing up the trans Tommy tag, no more Clementine as the deadname, now we have the first thing mistergore thought of.
> 
> Content warning for a made up deadname + wrong pronouns used for Tommy and panic attacks. When I inevitably rewrite this the content warning will be better I swear.

Erin doesn't know what her fucking deal is. And frankly, it's getting annoying.

It's been a few hours since Wilbur ended his stream and the night is weighing heavy on all the Brits in the call. Especially Erin.

"Sorry to end the party, boys, but I'm fuckin' exhausted." Erin'd says to the call of SMPEarth members, yawning. "I gotta go to bed. I hope my loss doesn't weigh too heavy on you lot."

There's a chorus of " _Goodnight Erin_ "s from everyone in the call and she feels a sharp sting in her chest. This is usually when she makes a grand exit, dramatically goodnighting everyone in the call, but the pain hits her so suddenly and Erin lets out a choked gasp, the air being knocked out of her, and quickly leaves the call. _What the fuck_.

She's out of breath, near hyperventilating, and quickly tears her headset off her head. Her hair catches on the mic and she whimpers at the pain, but carefully unravels her hair and throws the headset on her table. She's never had a panic attack (or, whatever this is.) before and God, it's fucking _scary_. She doesn't know what to do, her parents are asleep already, and every one of her online friends are asleep or in the call she just left. _Fuck_. 

_(She ends up curling up in her chair and crying until hints of the sun are showing through her blinds, by then the panic attack is over and she's cried herself back to exhaustion. Her mom goes in her room to wake her up sometime before noon. They have plans. But Erin looks so worn out in her chair, her mom just leaves her alone.)_

Erin doesn't feel that feeling, doesn't have another fucking panic attack, until Monday. The first was Friday night. (Saturday morning?) She's on SMPEarth again, in a call with another group of people. 

"What're we doin' today, boys?" Erin asks the VC when she's finally done talking to her stream. 

"I'm making you mine for - I'm making you mine _with_ me." Wilbur says as Fit greets Erin with a " _Good afternoon, Erin_." 

Erin grins when she hears Fit's voice. It was weird to be talking to people she's been a fan of for God knows how long, but it was nice. But, yes there's another but, hearing her name coming out from Fit's voice feels weird in a . . bad way. Like when everyone else said goodnight to her the other night. It's not _as_ bad, but her chest feels tight and her mouth is suddenly dry. 

"Uh, hello Fit." Her voice doesn't sound the same as before and she quickly clears her throat, hoping no one notices. She's suddenly glad she's not got her face cam on today "Will, I'm just gonna pretend I didn't hear you." She tries keeping the shake out of her voice.

A few hours later and Erin's mother calls her down for dinner and she has to end her stream. "SMPEarth boys, Ani, and chat, Motherinnit has yelled for me. If I'm lucky, I'll be back to stream later. If not, you'll see me tomorrow. Goodbye friends." Her Twitch chat hasn't seemed to noticed her drop in mood from the start of the stream. Everytime someone said her name today, it hurt and it just exhausted her each syllable. She abruptly ends the stream there and leaves the call. Even though she didn't face cam today, she still held a happy front and it drops the second she leaves the VC.

_(It's obvious when Erin sits at the dinner table that her parents know something's wrong. But, fortunately and unfortunately for her, they don't say anything. Just share worried looks.)_

Erin deals with weird sinking feelings and a knot in her chest for almost a week and a half before she thinks to talk to someone.

Of course, she talks to Tubbo.

_**Erin** today at 4:24 PM_

_hey can i call u rq_

_its kinda important_

_**Tubbo** today at 4:43 PM_

_yeah ofc :0?_

_srry 4 being late to responding :(_

"Hello?" Tubbo says the second he answers the call. He barely gives Erin time to hear that he joined and spooks her.

Erin gasps when she hears Tubbo and bursts out laughing. She takes a moment to calm down and catch her breath. "Heeey, Tubbo." Her voice shakes a bit and she coughs to try and cover it up. _(It doesn't work.)_

"Erin? Erin, are you okay?" She can hear the worry in Tubbo's voice. He's always been a bit of a worrier when it came to her. She was appreciative of that until now. "What's goin' on?" 

"I'm havin' a bit of a crisis, big dude." She pauses. Maybe 'bit' is the wrong word. "Well, a big crisis. Huge crisis. And I need comfort from my Tubs."

Tubbo laughs at the use of 'Tubs' but drops it when he remembers he's supposed to be serious right now. "D'you need to talk or have you changed your mind and just wanna sit in call with me? I'm completely fine with both." He sends a ':)' to her Discord and Erin laughs again.

It takes her a minute to consider. "I think I'd like to talk out my lil' crisis. If that's not too much, of course." 

"Go ahead! I'm totally down to hearing you talk. If you don't want advice or anything if your issue is something I can give advice on, let me know. And sorry in advance if I interrupt you." 

Erin breathes in and out and thinks for a few moments. How does she start? With the discomfort of her own fucking name being used, or her mother calling her pretty when she finally dressed up a bit making her nauseous, or how Wilbur talking about her using she/her pronouns in a stream made her want to just stop existing?

Before she can even decide what to begin her sentence with, "Tubbo, I don't think I'm a girl." falls out of her mouth and her eyes go wide. She didn't mean to say that. She didn't _know_ she was going to say that. She'd never even considered that seriously before now. 

_**Fuck fuck fuck**_ is all that runs through her mind and she swallows hard, hoping for some reason that would make the sudden uncomfortable feeling in her chest go away. 

Tubbo doesn't answer right away. _(It'd be better if he didn't answer at all. If he just hung up on Erin and left the issue alone.)_

"Do... do you think you might, uhh... be a boy?" He asks it so awkwardly. She can almost see his surprised open mouthed expression in her head. 

Of all things Erin could do, she starts crying. _(She's been crying a lot recently. Much more than before.)_

"I don't know." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dream add kingani and FitMC to the Dreamsmp challenge. I noticed Ani on the map in one of Fit's SMPEarth videos and decided to put them both in this even just smallllll cameos. This was gonna be a present day fic but I wanted Ani and Fit cameos so <13 SMPEarth time babey.
> 
> This should be updated this week and I apologise in advance if it's out later than this Sunday. I hope you have a good rest of your day or night, don't forget to drink water <3


	2. She/Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're fine." Now Erin can't hide her unsteady voice, now that she's hanging by a thread and sobbing to her best friend in a Discord call. "I don't know what to do, Tubbo. I'm scared. Tubbo, I'm so fuckin' scared." 
> 
> or
> 
> Tubbo and Tommy mash their braincells together and it's almost 🦀ERIN IS DEAD🦀 time. They gotta figure out the pronouns before names.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All italics is Tubbo POV :-)
> 
> Also I wrote most of this chapter and the end of the first listening to just Mellohi, Pigstep, and Mice On Venus. Pog

"I don't know."

Even crying, Erin tries to keep her voice steady. Calm. She can't help the shake at the end, but she prays Tubbo didn't hear it. 

When Tubbo doesn't say anything right away again, Erin starts sobbing. Her whole body is shaking and she chokes on her saliva trying to stay quiet and calm. She wouldn't want to worry her parents, of course. Always thinking of others before herself.

"I'm sorry, Tubbo." She says between violent shakes. 

She can hear the sound of Tubbo hitting something on his desk as he flinches and he goes " _nononono_ , don't be sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for," in one breath. "I'm a bit in shock, as you probably are too, I'm sorry I didn't say anything." 

"You're fine." Now Erin can't hide her unsteady voice, now that she's hanging by a thread and sobbing to her best friend in a Discord call. "I don't know what to do, Tubbo. I'm scared. Tubbo, I'm so fuckin' scared." 

She brings her knees up to her chest and just cries. Erin just sits and sobs. So far gone, she doesn't care about being loud. She's come to such a terrifying realisation and she doesn't care anymore.

_If Erin's scared, Tubbo's dead from fright. Erin's never been one to openly cry, much less sob, in other's company, even his. He'd only ever heard or seen her crying happy tears, when Wilbur Soot first called him and Erin friends on stream, or when their parents talked and said they could meet in person one day._

_Hearing his best friend sobbing her eyes out hurts so hard. He's never dealt with something like this, so he messages the first person he thinks of._

**Tubbo** today at 5:19 PM

so sorry if this is bothering u or anythingn

anything*

erins having a breakdown i think

help maybe if you can

**Wilbursoot** today at 5:24 PM

Don't worry about spelling it's fine

Is she okay? Safe? What can I do to help? 

Do I need to bully some kids

Or talk to her parents

"Hey?" Tubbo says out of nowhere and Erin, finally calmed down a bit, wipes at her eyes with her hoodie sleeves. She doesn't say anything. "Are you okay with me adding you and Will to a group chat? I hope you don't mind me messaging Wilbur about your situation, I didn't give any details please don't worry, but I'm not sure how to help you and I thought he would." 

Erin cracks a half assed smile, but it's a smile nonetheless. "That's fine. I appreciate that." Her voice is soft, barely there and dry. She looks around her desk for water but finds none. 

Tubbo leaves the call and adds Erin and Wilbur to a GC. 

**Wilbursoot** today at 5:32 PM

Hi Tubbo.

Are you safe, Erin? 

**Erin** today at 5:33 PM

yea

everythings all okayyyyy

 **Tubbo** today at 5:34 PM

liar

hi wilbur

"Are you two okay?" Wilbur asks when Tubbo and Erin join the call. There's enough worry in his voice for a small village. 

Erin answers first. "Physically, yeah. Mentally? No." She sniffles as she talks and lets out a little whimper. God, she feels pathetic. Crying not only in front of Tubbo, but Wilbur too. They're barely friends, not nearly as close as her and Tubbo, it's... so uncomfortable to cry in front of Wilbur. 

"I've already asked, but I have to again. Erin," she flinches at Wilbur saying her name. "are you safe? Do you need any medical assistance or authorities?" 

She wants to start sobbing again. Wilbur and Tubbo are too kind to her. "I'm safe, Will. I'm just. . identity crisis. That I didn't know was an identity crisis until I talked to Tubbo. And I'm scared of what people will think of me if they find out. I'm scared people'll judge me." She sobs out her words instead of saying them. She curls in on herself and hugs herself. She feels nauseous. 

Tubbo and Wilbur don't say anything, waiting for her to continue talking. But she doesn't know what to say but the silence is so awkward and-

"I'm... I think I'm a boy, Wilbur. You're right, Tubbo." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was a bit short lmao. I started writing directly after posting the first chapter, I'm insanely lucky that I got it finished in the same day. If the third chapter isn't posted today or tomorrow assume I'm dead or finally got hit by writer's block

**Author's Note:**

> If this crosses any of Tommy's, or anyone else's, boundaries that I don't know about, please lmk ! I try my best to not cross anyone's boundaries but I don't rlly watch many MCYT streams n I don't always catch any setting of boundaries.
> 
> Feedback appreciated, but ask before you give criticism please. This should be updated this week and I apologise in advance if it's out later than this Sunday. I hope you have a good rest of your day or night, don't forget to drink water <3


End file.
